6:15 AM

Yesterday at cheer practice, I had a physical courage triumph!!
We were stunting, and this usually doesn't go too good. I mean... it does. But a lot of the times Tess falls, someone gets hurt, and it's a very discouraging event. But yesterday. OH NO!! Yesterday we all just were confident, if she did fall we tried again, and not only that... but we saw progress!! We successfully got tess in a lib, push to full, full, and that little pyramid thing. YAY!! GO JV!! haha :]

So onto other things. These past few days have been really hard for me. I've had a lot on my plate, and the worst thing is, it's no one's fault but my own. I always try to justify myself for it, but in the end, I know theres no justification, and that I just need to buck up and take the fault. Isn't it crazy how we can do so well of staying out of sin for so long, then without notice we start slipping, slower and slower, one thing leads to another, and then BAM! you're back to who you were? As I said before, the worst part of this, it that it's YOUR fault.

Crazy stuff.....

Today is my birthday!!
And honestly, almost every other birthday I have the mind set of "ME!" and that every single little thing is directed around me and me only. But today I was extremely humbled. I just looked at everything as "Wowza, I am blessed". I put money in the offering plate at church because i wanted to (that never happens). I went to Starbucks with sarah, and enjoyed the company of good friends. I looked at the world I'm in and just appreciated how beatiful every last thing was. I evaluted my own life and just thought of how immensley blessed I am. And I was just really happy. I don't know if this is courageous or not. But it felt nice. ....

One other thing I want to say today. Is that my dad is one of the most courageous people I have ever come in contact with. I look at him everyday, and completely take for granted how truly amazing he is. Just some back ground on this.. he is in the military, and every time he goes over seas, or faces problems in his life, he faces them courageously. He steps up to the plate, and if he's scared he sure shows no sign of it. He knows that God is with him, and everything that happens is in his hands. He has overcome so much both mentally and physically. Mentally--> when my mom and him got divorced, he took the initiative to raise my sister and i. Single dad. 2 daughters... yes challenging. But he did it, and did GOOD at that. Physically--> he deals with pain, and just physically overcoming little things, such as dipping, he is in the process of quiting and it being a great sport about it.

And he still just lives every day one day at a time. And for this I admire him so much.

"Courage is knowing that the task ahead of you, is never as great as the power behind you"

As I interact with different people, look into my own life, and see the lives of others... I often marvel at the little things that get us down. The problems that we face, that we make into SUCH a big deal, that really aren't anything. Humans are so dramatic sometimes.

I personally have been doing this all day today. I have been pretending that the problem didn't exist, when really it tore me up inside. But the problem in itself, was nothing. I mean in the whole grand scheme of things... it was one day, one problem, that I let get my whole day down. PRECIOUS MOMENTS OF MY LIFE I WILL NEVER GET BACK!! haha.
But seriously. Then instead of telling anyone, I keep it to myself, and think I can handle it.
I really need to start going to God.
It would make life a whole lot easier. :]
Well off to bed for me!!
Until next time...

It's so crazy the things we get caught up with in life, and just sucked back into the same things of the world. It's like no matter how many time at least I learn a lesson, no matter how severe the consequence is, I just get sucked back into it eventually really without any reguard that it had happened before.
Urg. I guess this is the sin cycle Mr. Tharp was talking about. It sucks too because we cannot just merely get out of it. No matter how much effort we put into prayer or serving God, we will always go down those roads. And today in class I was thinking about it and it's like every time we go into another cycle, we take 2 steps back, and when we repent only 1 step forward. But at the same time, God is always with us, while still standing at the 'perfectness' location.
God has crazy love for us.
It truly amazes me.

Today in chapel, I was really opening my heart, I was really hearing what the speaker was saying and soaking it up and taking it in. Then all of a sudden, when we started praying, I was really feeling connected to God. Then out of no where. I opened my eyes, and thought to myself "Am I stupid?? I mean, look at me. I am sitting here with my eyes closed, talking to an empty gym." And it wasn't even like me thinking about it, it just happened.

I think that one of the major areas where I fall short is in prayer. For some reason, I can't get it through my head that talking in your head or outloud actually gets through to God. Every time I try to pray I just find that I don't take myself seriously.
Yes, I believe in God. Yes, I know the bible is true.
But i just can't get past my own stubborn opinions, views, and thoughts.

I think that my distrust in people has almost carried over to God.
Almost as though I see myself as greater than him, and that I don't need to come to him in prayer, because I can handle it myself.
I need to just put my life into God's hand and truly trust him.
He is greater, far greater than me.
He is my creator, and I am his child..
I just need to remember this.

"So many times I planned, to be much more than who I am"

There are so many times where I have said this, but despite that I will say it again. I want to be better. This time though, I really want it to follow through. Mr. Tharp showed a video today of this kid Cam, and he was MY AGE! Just to point out... that's insane. But he knew what he wanted to leave, he had such a clear view on how he wanted to live and what he wanted to leave behind. And not only that, but he followed through with this. He lived out the things that he taught, and the things that he believed. Even though he had cancer, he looked at everything as a precious gift from God. That's absolutely CRAZE to me! I mean, I personally know the way I would LIKE to live, but when it comes down to it, I get caught up in the stupid things in the world.

I want to live like this!! I want to be able to look back and see the accomplishes that I have made, and look back and be proud because I lived and showed what I believed. More importantly than this, I would be living for him. I often forget that aspect and put all the credit on myself, but i know that i am nothing without him.

I know that this won't happen over night, and I am not going to say that I am completely in the right spot to start, I know it's what I want, but for some reason I just can't wrap my mind around it. But I do know it that I am ready to work towards becoming a better person, and truly a Christian.

Thus far none of my entries have had me displaying courage in any way. I'm ready to start!!. And I'm hoping by the end there may be at least one. :]
Well until next time!!

So, I am deciding to make a blog instead of hand writing it. I should have done this from day 1 because i know that I am definately a faster typer, and i enjoy it much more. But anyways.

Today I have been sitting at home all day, (it is Saturday), and I have just been thinking pretty much all day about what Tharp said on Friday about being a Christian, and not acting like one, as opposed to being a Christian and acting like one. I have been thinking a lot about this, and where I stand with it.

The conclusion that I reached with this, is I say that I am a christian, but I definately do not act like one. I mean, I know that being and saying your a christian doesn't mean perfection. The reason why I don't think I'm really a Christian is because, I do say that I am, but I don't act like it, or really make an effort to act like it. As I have said before, I know what's wrong, and I know what's right... but I just don't follow those, or really even care. There are certain times when I tell myself that I do want to be better, and that I want to live as God wants me to live, but when it comes down to it, I don't even give it a second thought.

At this point, I am in a rut. Not consider myself as a Christian, and just keep on living the way I live, or keep my statement that I am a Christian excpet change my lifestyle. The courageous thing I know, would to live up to higher expectations. But I almost don't know how to do that. When a decision comes with the options as living for God, or not. The thought to live for him doesn't even cross my mind.

It's almost as if, I know that God is there, but the bible stories that we all hear are just stories and things that just sound good.

This was hard to write. But it's good that I'm getting it out.